That Explains What He’s Been Doing to Our Legs…

by gillis

Trips to the doctor are always fraught with tension. We’ve all heard stories of headaches that turned out to inoperable brain tumors, or fatigue that signaled Parkinson’s disease so we travel into our yearly physicals as if we are embarking on a blind date, hoping for best, fearing the worst. As children our anxieties were about vaccinations, as adults our fears include all sorts of  messy, life-altering pathology.

Even taking our pets to the veterinarian feels like something of a crap shoot. We crate or leash them, bring them into the office, and hope that they will receive a clean bill of health and an annual reprieve from illness. Maybe a case of fleas or some dental issue, but please, no cancer, no kidney disease this time around. Just yesterday our new canine family member went in to have a mysterious mass removed. The vet had already sampled the tumor and determined it did not contain harmless fatty tissue, therefore it needed to be removed and biopsied. All of this scary, and expensive, sounding.

Our little fella went in to meet his fate like a trooper. While he was sedated, they determined that he had not one, but two masses hanging around in there. And they were strangely identical and symmetrical, these masses. Turns out they were not tumors, but testicles that had never descended. We were told, and I’m sure others assumed, he had been neutered because there was no external evidence to the contrary. Surprise! Good news! Oscar did not have cancer, just some leftover testes. Surprise! Say goodbye to your stealth man parts! Oscar was going to lose his cojones before he had ever had the chance to truly enjoy them. Easy come, easy go.

The poor guy left that place with a sore lower abdomen and a very unattractive plastic bonnet encircling his face. I received an astronomical bill for his transgendering and tried to convince myself, while handing over an obscene wad of money, that vacations are overrated. I’m sure I will feel just as relaxed and fulfilled walking the dog around our neighborhood as I would have felt strolling along the edge of a seaside resort this summer. And if nothing else, at least he’ll stop humping our legs.

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