I Have Met the Elf on the Shelf and it is Myself
by gillis
I need someone with greater anthropological insight than I to explain to me the cult of The Elf on the Shelf. What the hell is going on people? I keep reading posts about friends and acquaintances who have spent more than ten dollars (ten dollars! that’s a really good glass of red wine at a very nice restaurant!) on this item. The shelf elf has a pseudo-retro appearance with a Kewpie-esque face and it wears a red onesie outfit and elvish hat. See how hideously ridiculous that sentence was? I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say beyond sharing just terrifying The Elf on the Shelf is to gaze upon. It gives Chuckie a run for its money.
And people are putting The Elf not just on shelves, but also tables, cribs, Christmas trees-you name it. Some even move their elf around in order to keep their young children on their toes. The Elf is watching you. Always watching you. See that? He’s in the kitchen now watching you steal your sister’s pop tart. He just saw you slurp your milk. Don’t look now, but he beat you to the bathroom, you better wash your hands if you don’t want the wrath of The Elf to be unleashed upon you. It doesn’t matter if you name The Elf something adorable like Tuck, Midgie, or Ochocinco, he’s still a stalker who can’t be reined in once you let him out of the box. He’s got but one mission in life and it is to keep tabs on children and catch them being naughty.
The photographs of children interacting with the shelf elf are all very suspect. The Elf is aloof, he is not about to pal up with your kid, unless your kid is the social equivalent of a CIA operative on the preschool playground. Then maybe there could be a meeting of the minds. Otherwise, trust me, The Elf is not baking, coloring, wrapping gifts, or reading with your cherub. The Elf is gaining intel for the coming apocalypse. Stop worrying about zombies people, and start worrying about plush decorations that resent only being let out once a year. Stock up on water, batteries, and David Sedaris holiday essays in preparation for the battle over the soul of Christmas future. The war is coming. You’ve been warned.
gillis and her big mouth 
AMEN to that! Creepy little thing (who has also taken over pinterest). All of these people trying to outdo each others elfie tricks.. Nope not in this house. He scares the bejesus out of me.
I think it’s kind of weird too! And if you want it to be still creepier, that elf is actually reincarnated from a previous life. When I was a little girl, my grandmother bought my sisters and I an ornament every year. My youngest sister got that Elf on the Shelf ornament for one of her first Christmases. We still have it- it shows up on my mom’s tree every year. Now people think we just bought it to do the Elf on the Shelf thing, but we have actually had it forever- close to fifty years!
LAUGH! I’ve even seen people talk about how the “Elf makes a huge mess” – and then THEY have to clean it up. Umm… what??
No elf at my house. I know my kids can be jerks, but I’ll be happy to catch them at it myself, thank you very much 😉
Love this line “The Elf is gaining intel for the coming apocalypse.”
I think my favorite part of your post is the list of things we need to stock up on for the coming apocalypse: yep, David Sedaris essays are key to survival.
Yes, the Elf thing fits along with those blow up wanna be floats that appear all over front yards. We can easily lose the purpose of the holiday in the stuff that we feel compelled to buy in order to stress ourselves out more! NO ELF FOR ME!
One year my little brother went around doing one naughty thing after another, all the while muttering under his breath, “Gonna find out…”
Thanks for the comments everyone. I have decided maybe I should try to blog earlier in the day to keep the tone less caustic during this holiday season. Although when someone on twitter shared that song about the cat who froze to death on Christmas Eve, it did get me thinking about tasteless holiday songs. Not sure I can stop myself from commenting on them – can’t “unsee” it now…ho ho ho.