You Gotta Play to Win
Yesterday I gave five dollars to the 7th grade science teacher for the school’s pool in the Megapowermillionbigmoneyball Lottery drawing taking place tonight. Now I’m just hoping there will be enough time to get a proper haircut before the group photo with the table-sized check is taken for the local newspaper. It’s hard to know exactly how much money I am going to get because I understand there may be other winners besides our group. This makes it a bit more challenging to plan how I will spend my share of the money, but I’m willing to outline a few things.
The first order of business is to get out of debt, pay off the house, the cars, and get that albatross Amazon account unlaced from neck once and for all. Next order of business? Perhaps buy Amazon and cut out the middleman. If there’s money still left, I’d like to travel. I’ll start with the places in the US I’ve never seen – Pacific Northwest, San Francisco area, Hawaii- I’m coming your way. Be forewarned Barbecue Belt, I will be taking a U-Haul down to the World’s Largest Tag Sale this summer. I’ll hit all the major music festivals taking place during the next 12 months – SXSW, Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, and whatever tour Bruce Springsteen is doing.
I’ll sign up to spend a month or so at a writers’ colony. They will ask me to leave after 6 days because of my poor attitude, but I will know it’s just underlying professional jealousy. That’s okay, I will buy the writer’s colony so that the following summer I can control the guest list.
Until then, I’ll lick my wounds with a family trip to Europe starting in Wales to listen to large men sing loudly. Portugal is also a must so we can eat lots of fish and buy matching pottery. We’ll continent hop after that because I’ve always wanted to see the sun set in Nepal. I have no idea why. After that, we will go where the wind, and my millions, blow us.
When we are ready to return to the United States, we’ll buy a beach house as well as spacious apartment in Manhattan. I will need a place in the city because my talk show will be filmed from there. Did I forget to mention that I would be buying a production company so that I could have my own talk show? With a house band? It will feature all of the people and things I think are absolutely fabulous, and I won’t need to worry about ratings because I will buy up all of my own advertising. That way I can have an episode featuring Tina Fey, Lyle Lovett, Savion Glover and David Sedaris at the same time. I predict the show will be a big hit with insomniacs and incarcerated populations as well as those people sitting at Jiffy Lube waiting for an oil change. When the networks decide not to pick up it after the first year, I will choose to walk away rather purchase my own network at that point, not because I can’t, but because I yearn for a simpler life.
I will then move my family to a sheep farm in Vermont where we will spin our own wool and make felted craft items which we sell on etsy. Beyond that, I don’t dare to dream.
You know what they say, you gotta play to win.