Dear Community Sports League Gods
Dear Community Sports League Gods,
Please look upon our family with favor today as we travel miles to see our daughter play the time-honored game of basketball. If it is at all possible, please discourage parents from yelling at their children on the court today. Encourage them to clap and perhaps hoot occasionally, but not to yell. I believe the coaches, who were of course called by a higher power to take on the mantle of this position of power and prestige, should be the true intermediary between you and the players. Please let the snack bar carry some items that will not clog our arteries with each rubbery chew. And may there be bathroom doors that close all the way, and if it’s not too much to ask, may these doors also lock. May the stalls have toilet paper in them and the toilets flush effectively, but not too vigorously. Let there be soap near the sink. We will be forever in your debt if you make it so.
May those who are officiating these numerous, numerous, numerous games understand the importance of their work and judge reflectively. May they temper their justice with compassion when warranted. May they excuse a few minor infractions in favor of keeping the game moving, especially if the game begins more than 45 minutes after its scheduled start time.
May our young son maintain interest in the ongoing games long enough to let me see his sister make her best play of the game so that I do not have to suffer the indignity and sorrow of hearing about it from the other parents. May he also refrain from emptying the contents of my bag onto the basketball court ever again. I realize that scrambling on the floor to retrieve tampons does not please the gods, these items are not a proper offering, and I will do my best to make sure it does not happen again. If you could help me by making sure the same son does not lift the hem of my shirt up over my head today, exposing all of the flesh in my midesction to the opposing team again, that would help me to maintain the proper decorum as is fitting for such a sacred event. While I think some of the opposing team’s players were blinded momentarily by that particular display, our team’s players also had trouble recovering from the trauma, so to keep the play fair, please be with me today in keeping any wardrobe malfunctions limited to those involving diapers. May I remember to pack extra clothes and plastic bags this time.
And sports gods, please let the players play with “all their heart” giving it at least “110%.” I realize I am asking for a mathematical miracle, but if anyone can make this happen, you can. We remain ever grateful to you for providing us with this opportunity to come together under florescent lights and gather to celebrate the noble, competitive spirit of our 3rd and 4th graders. And if they also sell Slush Puppies, the blue ones please, so much the better…