Loser

by gillis

I lose things. Keys, phones, lists, and before I got a car built after the year 1980, I’d circle the parking lot repeatedly looking for my car. Passengers, especially toddlers, really love taking spontaneous field trips in the rows of a mall parking lot. Needless to say, I’m very thankful for my noisy key fob so that my car is just a beep (or, in my case, 40 or so) away. In fact, I lost my blog awhile back. I had started a blog, wrote an entry or two, then had no idea where I’d put it. Or what I had called it. Or called myself, even which free blog service I’d used. If I am completely honest, I was glad to lose that blog. It was one more thing I felt I was supposed to do in a long list of things I have to do. And to be even more honest, I don’t think I have all that much to say that anyone else needs to read at this point. I wish that weren’t the case, but I’m not all that deep.

In order to do the Slice of Life challenge, I created what I thought was a new blog. When I got going, I realized that some remnants of an old blog were still lingering around the edges here on this site. It was funny to go back and read things I had written several years ago, I’m still trying to figure out if it’s more similar to finding a twenty dollar bill in a pair of pants or in fact it’s more like discovering a piece of fish rolled out of my grocery bag and fell under the driver’s seat yesterday and I’m just figuring out what happened today…not that it matters.

One thing I’d like to lose is the ragged sense of disorganization that dogs my every move. I’ve tried systems, electronic alerts, meditation, and any number of list-making strategies but I still find myself racing around constantly like an idiot, looking for the freezy pack to put in lunches, scrambling to find a pen to sign the check that’s due now, calling to apologize for forgetting another birthday. I’d also like to lose the shame and the guilt that accompanies this disorganization. Perhaps by blogging, which feels a little self-indulgent and reminds me a bit of verbal purging (gee, maybe this is my problem, blogging should perhaps not be the same as writing bulimia???), I can regain some clarity and focus. If not, at least I can say I gave it a shot. If I can remember where I’ve put it.

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